So these past few weeks have been crazy and I had so many breakdowns in between...
I don't know why my emotions always swallow me...but I often find myself in a bathroom cubicle sobbing quietly, screaming silently on how I'm not happy and why I'm going through this misery.....
...but then the sobs die down and I compose myself and I think everything through and then I everything will be okay again at least for now...
...I learned so much in these past few weeks and once again I was really humbled....
I got to be reminded that sometimes I'm not aware that my actions hurt people and that alot of the stress I have on me is really just self inflicted, I was just too scared to confront myself and tell "me" that I do have a flaw, a problem...and sometimes I'm not the best in whatever I do...
..but then again I think God really loves me because He saved me again...
I find myself always wanting to learn it the hard way that I'm already hanging on a thread
but then He saves me again and again and again...
....I learned that despite my victory of being single for 6 months, a part of me is really depressed of the fact that all the men I dated and loved were wrong for me and at some point they all cheated on me...Urgh!!!cheating...I hate this word....but even if I was the victim of it, still I hope and think positively and dumbly that they will change for the better and that I did change them for the better when they were with me...but so what??what does it mean??when in the end I'm still the one left alone, I'm still the one who stands strong and watch them as they have another girl hours after....
...I also learned that inside I complain too much about everything but I won't do anything to change it because im afraid...a big part of me is scared of change...I have so much fears of the dreams I want to follow...I doubt and question myself on something I do so well....
but I want it more than anything....
....haay..i'm complicated, weird, and confused at many times...but I hope that I would change for the better..and really fight for something I've wanted for soo long...
..in time...we'll see...
aww...kat...
ReplyDeleteI'm probably not the best person when it comes to talking about the love between couples....but for all kinds of "love" that I've experienced so far...it isn't much about one person owning another person completely...hmm...i know this sounds weird and unrealistic...but I guess how i see it is....if I ever have a bf...and if I ever see the slightest sign that he's going to "cheat" on me and get with someone else...I would probably step back and become an observer during the play. If this guy is that easily swayed, and violate my trust on purpose, I will be ready to play along too. Not that I'll cheat on him and get with some random guy, I'll probably just watch him as he's cheating and acting as if I have no clue. What I believe is nobody is anyone's, therefore if the guy's depth of thought is that shallow, it's no one's faults....we just define this big term "love" differently...and by that....he's probably not meant for me or vice versa. So...from the say I see it...and how I strongly believe (and know) that all things in nature are designed...and all living things that are gravitated to the earth are also predestined (by God...your god, my god and everyone else's terms for the higher power)...
I guess I'm pretty much are trying to insert the familiar expression into this lengthy comment...."let it go"....its not about us "changing" into the ideal image of self...its much more about us "becoming" that person without trying to change anything. For me, its the attitude towards the same end goal that make us different and interesting individuals. Some fear of not becoming the person who they "expect" to be. Some wonder if he/she will be anything at all. and Some just have the confidence even though he/she doesn't know what he/she is aiming.
We are all confused wanderers who look for ways to actualize the potential we see in ourselves, to become who we already are. And as optimistic and willing as I am, what I believe is, that actualization process will eventually and naturally occur to us...and since we are all predestined just the same way the nature is designed...we dont have the power to change things that are meant to happen.
There are systems and patterns in everything. Thats why Buddha and Einstein (and other great minds) both agree that things are relative.
....I mean we can totally fight for what we want..and again..if its not for us then its no use to feel attached to that feeling that thing one thing you want gives you. Once I heard some scientific experiments on human minds, they say that sometime when you love someone you might not really love that person...you just love the "feeling" that you get from that person...the feeling thats created in your mind that gets your heart pumping faster....it does sound like a cold science huh? Well...logic and emotion are things of the extreme opposite...if there's a little too much emotional breakdowns happening, some hard cold logic can cool down the heat quite well.
So how should we say to people who think they can cheat...alright...they might get the feeling that they are at the superior position compared to the one being cheated...but hey...I bet they can never fully trust anyone...since they think its fine to violate other person's trust.
Kat...you might have been dating these guys....but...you know that God loves you...its better to thank these people for letting you go...they are just appertizers...you are so going to meet something thats meant for you...hope you find your main dishes someday na jaaa...form all the pain...its gonna worth it! YUMM :D